I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I will never stop laughing at this
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.