How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes