I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.