16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong