[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”