I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.