Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.