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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude