My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan