I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.