who named him groot and not spruce lee
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.