In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
#titanic
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!