My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.