The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot