don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once