4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
👾👾👾
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff