The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
You Might Also Like
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Never be a pizza!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*