It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money