Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.