I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
You Might Also Like
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week