Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies