my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.