oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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Unexpected Judgment
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.