[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Leaving the Barbers like
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno