Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I’m a bad influence on myself.
That’s it.I’m out.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
And that about sums it up.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun