Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
You Might Also Like
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m a bad influence on myself.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.