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The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
#FunnyLife Insects
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
WHY?!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.