“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Put the is in disheveled
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.