How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.