Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️