BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.