me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
me linking you to my twitter
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life