As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
everyone’s a critic
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.