If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
You Might Also Like
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.