*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Pickled cat.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”