“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (