My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”