I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police