Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.