On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Can’t. Being lazy.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”