Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
this is how life feels
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
#parenting
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*