I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
socratic questions
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
December birthdays be like…
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground