Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
You Might Also Like
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I love wikipedia
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
wtf is an acronym
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.