Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
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Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.