me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%