[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
philosophical skeletons be like
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds