As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush