Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.