If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
You Might Also Like
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
won’t smith
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”