I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.